Awkward. (a fictional situation with a paranoid protagonist)

I shift slightly in my seat as I hear the first person open the door. They don't say 'Hi'. Maybe I was supposed to say that. Shit. Too late. They're already sitting down on the chair across me so I smile at their smile and pick up my messy, doodle-raped notebook from the desk next to me. How professional.

 Okay. Calm down. I want to come across as confident. And I try so hard but I suddenly couldn't find the page where I scribbled the questions I prepared and, holy shit, I'm frantically flipping through the pages like a maniac. Where is it? It feels like someone from an alternate dimension came just right specifically to this moment, went to my question page and ripped it out. They must think this is funny right now. Haha. No.

 The person in front of me is looking at me. I can feel it. They're about to ask if I'm alright and I'll give them a passive 'yes' which, really means 'no' but they wouldn't talk anymore after that. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Fuck this. And fuck you, notebook.

 I place the notebook back to the desk and clear my throat. "So…"

I can literally feel the awkwardness seeping out of me and spreading across the room. The person in front of me seems to wait for the rest of my sentence. Don't they get it? That was all I had. I have no continuation to this 'so', it has a similar conversational value to an inverted rhetorical question.

"This weather, huh?" I continue. As soon as those words left my mouth I felt a tug in my stomach, like my body was trying to physically suck what I just said back and keep it locked inside never to be said again. The stranger in front of me looks like a flashbulb lit up in front of their head.

 At this point, I've given up and just stay silent. I am starting to contemplate just staring into their eyes until they feel completely uncomfortable. But, as I glance into the notebook next to me I see the stupid fucking questions written right there.

A jumble of thoughts (also the premise of being drunk)

Today there was a wedding and I'm not sure about my feelings about weddings quite yet. I mean, I haven't attended much and this is kind of maybe my first ever proper wedding attendance. It was almost exactly as I've imagined it with the whole "Do you take this person to have and to hold, to love and to cherish" thing and then with the "I dos" and "Does anyone think theses people shouldn't get married?"

Though what's interesting is that I thought it wouldn't be that because I've developed what I would describe as 'realism-borderline-pessimism' way of thinking where I reject the idea of anything perfect happening in life just like in those stupid media perceptions that we've been exposed to like horrible radiation killing off braincells one by one.

 Anyways, so there was a very long after party and to those of you who don't know, I am within the 'teen' groups. Here's how I look at any family gathering: there would be 3 groups of people, the adults who chat and drink and dance, the children who play and run and eat and last but not the least the teens.

The teens are quite complex because either we get along or we don't, in the rare occasion that we do we will probably sneak off and look for internet connection somewhere or talk about genial things like our phone brands and video games. But what's even MORE interesting with such a situation is that the wedding reception area is FILLED with alcohol. There are bottles being dangled in front of the teens like those little lazer pointers that people use to taunt their cats.

 I didn't really find much other teens other than my brother and one other friend we've known already so all three of us decided to try some of those odd bottles filled with horrible tasting liquid. I may, at some point drank a whole cup of what I thought was coke (which I will then turn out to be half coke, half 40% vodka)

 Reiterating my point as a 'realism-borderline-pessimism' believer I didn't think people would ever actually speak in such gatherings and start friendships and whatnot because that only happens in movies. But I realise as a slightly drunk person I am more friendly even though I was often unaware of the things coming out of my mouth. I met this dude who was really weird and we talked until it was time to clean up but I don't remember what we talked about and he suddenly enquired about my phone — I'm not those people who remembers their own phone number so I just started to sweep the floor with a broom (poorly).

 Yeah, this stuff happened like a few hours ago and I just got back.

Who drunkenly writes a long blog story?

*points to self* this person.

This is also partly for my morning self to look at and be like oh, groan. No. Why.

The evolution of the Queen's head.

Yesterday I was looking at my coins (as you do) and was shocked to find out something. Something that blew mind and still leaves little aftershocks right in this moment.

 The Queen's head on the pound £ coins are different!

Surely it's logical, but somewhere in the back of my mind I had this odd assumption that every single pound coin has the SAME head but it's different for EVERY year.

Now I'm just thinking about whether or not the Queen enjoys this day where she has to model every year for our pound coin; the coins that we just manhandle with our dirty, common hands. She kind of looks uncomfortable... is it nerve wrecking? I mean, this is like having your passport photo printed on MILLIONS of tiny coins for everyone to see...

...and I will take a stab in the dark with the assumption that she probably isn't allowed to make funny faces. That would be hilarious, though. Like a special edition coin.

I spent too much time thinking about that.

A presentation.

Reasons Why You Should Occasionally Be Lazy and It's Okay (a self reassuring post).

Okay, so people often talk about doing other things with their time like maybe picking a hobby which involves arts and crafts or some musical instrument to make sure to 'use their time wisely' which seems like an odd concept. I'll also hear those who do such activities as a 'therapeutic' thing which helps them relax. And we all strive to get to that much anticipated moment where everything will stand still and we will rock slowly in our hammock of abyss and serenity.

I think that a good, much cheaper and less energy consuming way of possibly achieving such a state of relaxation is just being lazy for a temporary amount of time (this could span from about 20 minutes to even a whole day). Literally try to forget everything and our urge to strive to be better human beings and relax for a second (this is a practice I've mastered... but speaking from experience doing this for too long may have some bad consequences).

Biologically speaking this is beneficial. By physiologically calming our body, our blood pressure lowers and may avoid some stressors (I mean temporarily but it's still good) which often cause production of the 'stress hormones'-- to mention adrenaline and corticosteroids (too much cortisol production without being actually used may suppress our immune system leaving our body susceptible to many pathogens).

Also, it's just nice.

So in conclusion, spend some time doing nothing and relaxing. Maybe listen to some psychedelic shit. Relax. *plays some chill ocean waves... birds singing...*

How I wasted 2 weeks of my life.

It went by too fast. You know that feeling when your holding something really important like maybe you caught a fish after hours of sitting around (I mean while fishing, not just literally sitting around and randomly getting the urge to grab a fish from water with your BARE HANDS- that would be weird). Then you finally catch that magnificent creature, holding it close to your arms like a newborn baby (is it obvious I know nothing about catching fish?) then it moves frantically, slipping away from you like you just sneezed on that fucker. Just like that, almost in slow motion it's out of your grasp.

That's how my two weeks of Easter went. Now it's 12.21 at night (or should I say morning) I have to wake up in a few hours and go to college. I know I will fall asleep because I will have a chance during one of my two Philosophy lessons to doze off.

I remember at the beginning making an action plan. I will equally divide all of this massive amounts of free time to focus on preparation for my exams. None of the things in my action plan has been crossed of.

Life sucks sometimes but at least you always have a blog to complain on. (*generic conclusion sentence I have no idea how I'm typing this my brain is beating*)

Screen Caps II

Questions Answered.

Remember that time when I answered questions from a blog except I only picked questions that I felt like answering at the time? Maybe there's a reason I ignored some of those questions but now I vow to answer those questions without even looking yet...

yeah, I remember the reason (there are 80 QUESTIONS!!) but I will power through.

• Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

I lost "The Magician's Nephew" and was so sad that I can't even bear the thought of buying a copy/ borrowing one from the library.

• What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?

Hotmail, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, Fmylife-- mostly for social networking/blogging/checking if I got any homework from teachers.

• Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.

A tiny harmonica that I got from a museum gift shop. I was amused with it for like 2 hours.

• What music album would be used for a movie about your life?

'Last Night on Earth'- Noah and the Whale

• List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.

Mentos. I stopped having money.

• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?

Losing confidence in front of groups of people, not in an 'I'm socially awkward' way (that's a different story) but in terms of making speeches.

• What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same?

No.

• When was your last food craving, and what did you crave?

Carrot sticks.

• Who was your first crush and what made them special?

I can't say that here. I also can't say I remember but the last one I remember was this boy who worked in the candy shop (maybe his job had some influence with this)

• Name your most cherished childhood memory.

One time, me and my brother tried to build a fort using banana leaves and a tree and we thought we could survive there (until it started raining)

• Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?

I don't do diaries. I blog. I still blog. I'm more boring.

• What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?

Nobody knows about my slightly deformed finger. I don't blame them, this may be a difficult topic to introduce in a conversation.

• Robert Frost wrote a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way?

Any road against my normal route to school or bus/train station. I've always been too afraid to change my daily routines.

• Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it?

I've always wanted to punch someone who truly deserves it. Just one punch so I can say I punched someone in the face. I'm too scared about possible consequences.

• Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be?

No. First kisses aren't like they show you in Disney. They lied. It's bad but you don't know it's bad because you have no comparison and neither of you have had practice. You forget about the whole head tilt and your noses crush uncomfortably against each other and it's awkward because one of the two would think it's a short close mouthed kiss and the other one will tongue swirl you like a mad french man.

• What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently?

Procrastination. Sitting around thinking I can't do anything while at the same time not doing anything about not doing anything. I could change this by doing something.

• What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it?

'We Are Young' by Fun. It came on shuffle while I was thinking about ponies. Then I started to listen closely to the lyrics and realised it touches upon domestic violence and a sorry lover wanting to take it back.

• Describe 5 things you want to see or do before it’s too late.

1. See 'Ingrid Michaelson' live. I love her.
2. Publish a book. Because I like the idea of my words being physically engraved onto paper and being carried around by people and people I like reading things I wanted them to read.
3. Run a marathon.
4. Make someone go through a meaningful scavenger hunt which involves clever clues and places with awesome confederates.
5. Do a successful research on a significant subject.

• Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you?

The idea that people are subconsciously attracted to people who are genetically desirable, like the idea the faces being in proportion and strong jaw lines will push people to be more likely to want to ...mate with them. This kind of means that when someone says, "Nice boobs." it means, "your breasts look like they will provide sufficient cushion and milk for our possible offspring so they may have strong teeth and bones to survive in the jungle we call society." It would've explained a lot.

I'll post the rest later. (Maybe never... just kidding... but seriously 80 questions...)

The Shakespearean Clearout.

By the time I was 10, I wasn't as academically (or even just generally) evolved as the bright and genius kids so I remember being able to read sentences and taking a while to absorb them. Sometimes I would read through sentences and just pick out the stuff I understood because I'm too impatient and I want to know when something interesting is going to happen. So I miss out on the little wordplays and clues the authors had put in. What a sucky reader.

Then my mother got this box of Shakespeare stories, just literally a 'kid-version-summary' of his plays with some illustrations that some may find brilliant (though at the time I, again, remember thinking they were the ugliest drawings I've ever seen) I never liked much of the stories there, there was a tale of 'Romeo and Juliet' which I've heard a lot of and made it a horrible read knowing *spoiler* they were both going to die at the end.

The only story I liked was 'Twelfth Night' because it was probably the only one without a tragic death at the end. And I wondered if Shakespeare was some sort of sadistic man that hated everyone and if he was ever a modern Hollywood film director his ending would be the main protagonists holding hands along a sunset before getting machine gunned by an angry third person.

Now I'm wondering what I should do with these stories... bury them in some sort of radioactive proof box so that after earth is wiped down by a meteor the next generation of living organisms will discover them and display them in a museum? Possibly try to analyse it and look at those ugly drawings with curiosity?